Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm like, not good at living.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
