no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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