Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
