I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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