Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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