I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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