ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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