best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
