he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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