Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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