I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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