the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
