My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
