So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Drunk walkin through police station. America
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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