I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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