Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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