im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
