Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
