Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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