I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
