dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
