Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
