Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
