I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
