it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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