I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
