If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
