So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
