so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
