Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
