I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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