Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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