Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
