'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
