the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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