My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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