arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
