It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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