The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
