Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
