so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
