I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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