I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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