My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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