This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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