I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I will be naked everywhere
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
