Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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