Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
