I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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