the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
