This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize